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[20 Jul 2009|08:27pm] |
this is what's defining summer 2009. and it's amazing.
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| "people in love" - art brut |
[26 Mar 2009|05:23pm] |
People in love, lie around and get fat
I didn't want us to end up like that
This isn't the first time
You've fallen apart
Now you're indulging in just playing a part
The more it happens, the easier it gets
You can learn to enjoy this type of upset
So pass me the wine
A cigarette too
We've about a week and a half to get through
To every girl, that's ever been with me
I've got over you all, eventually
What becomes of the broken-hearted?
They're drunk for a few weeks,
Then back where they started
So pass me the wine
A cigarette too
We've about a week and a half to get through
You can tell how bad you feel
By how long you're in the shower
You're in and out in minutes
Whereas it used to take hours
It's not the breaking up,
It's the starting again
Meeting new people, taking them out as a friend
The more it happens, the easier it gets
You can learn to enjoy this type of upset
People in love, lie around and get fat
I didn't want us to end up like that
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[25 Mar 2009|06:04pm] |
i'm afraid that, as i approach my nineteenth year, i am facing an identity crisis.
i mean, i think i know who i am. i'm nikki, 18, of millbury. i'm a full-time student at BSC. i love animals, cooking, music, and sarcasm.
i'm an activist.
but for what?
well, everything. i care about everything, and i want to help everyone. i know i can't do this, though, and it's discouraging. every day i learn new things, and i want to learn more and more and more...but i think i'm starting to spread myself too thin, to crumble and fall apart.
back in high school, i was always with friends, familiar faces who influenced me as i influenced them, who reinforced my beliefs and habits. i was so comfortable, so placid. but now i'm being shown all these things--all these problems within the world, all these societal injustices--that challenge my daily existence. what am i living for? am i making a difference? can i make a difference?
it's utterly exhausting.
i just want to take a nap. but that's not right; the children of third-world africa don't have the luxury of taking a nap or having a bed...
but really, would they care if i took a nap?
i miss my old ignorance, but i can't turn back with what i know now. things were so much simpler when i knew nothing of the troubles around me, when i just wanted to go into teaching and be comfortable in a commonplace life. now i'm travelling to africa (holy crap) and contemplating joining the peace corps.
i'm confused, but i guess this just takes time.
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[02 Mar 2009|10:28am] |
within two weeks, the creature i loved most in this world was taken away from me. the unfairness of it all is overwhelming: he was barely 8 years old, we did nothing to cause it, we could do nothing to prevent it. the use of treatments and medicines would have been futile, so we just let him go out the way he came in to this world.
he got me through my teenage years. break-up after break-up, fight after fight, i would go to him and bury my face in his fur. he was my "brother," my "boyfriend," my confidant. he never told secrets and always forgave me when i accidentally dropped something on him.
he was meep, beep, goop, gweep, guido, cheese monster, chubs, harles, bug, bugger, and i swear i could go on forever with the ridiculous things i called him. but he always knew he was harley.
my brother first met harley at a friend's house in september 2003, a few weeks after beastly had died. he fell in love with harley as the dog chased a roll of duct tape up and down the deck and refused to go swimming because he didn't know how. we saved harley from going to a pound and taught him how to swim.
he taught us how to be patient, how to be tolerant, how to be accommodating, how to be forceful, how to be gentle, and most importantly how to apologize to a complete stranger when your dog does something stupid.
he always made me smile. or laugh hysterically. i'll never forget that about him.
i hope he's making others smile up in doggie heaven.
and harley, if you get this message, please pee on someone's leg while you're up there. that was really, really funny that one time.
i miss you already.
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[28 Jan 2009|10:14am] |
i love how i am still just as excited about a snow day in college as i was about one in high school.
some things never change. :)
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| an excerpt from the novel catch-22 |
[11 Jan 2009|10:47am] |
Thanksgiving Day came and went without any fuss while Yossarian was still in the hospital. The only bad thing about it was the turkey, and even that was pretty good. It was the most rational Thanksgiving he had ever spent, and he took a sacred oath to spend every future Thanksgiving Day in the cloistered shelter of a hospital. He broke his sacred oath the very next year, when he spent the holiday in a hotel room instead in intellectual conversation with Lieutenant Scheisskopf's wife, who had Dori Duz's dog tags on for the occasion and who henpecked Yossarian sententiously for being cynical and callous about Thanksgiving, even though she didn't believe in God just as much as he didn't.
"I'm probably just as good an atheist as you are," she speculated boastfully. "But even I feel that we all have a great deal to be thankful for and that we shouldn't be ashamed to show it."
"Name one thing I've got to be thankful fur," Yossarian challenged her without interest.
"Well..." Lieutenant Scheisskopf's wife mused and paused a moment to ponder dubiously. "Me."
"Oh, come on," he scoffed.
She arched her eyebrows in surprise. "Aren't you thankful for me?" she asked. She frowned peevishly, her pride wounded. "I don't have to shack up with you, you know," she told him with cold dignity. "My husband has a whole squadron full of aviation cadets who would be only too happy to shack up with their commanding officer's wife just for the added fillip it would give them."
Yossarian decided to change the subject. "Now you're changing the subject," he pointed out diplomatically. "I'll bet I can name two things to be miserable about for every one you can name to be thankful for."
"Be thankful you've got me," she insisted.
"I am, honey. But I'm also goddam good and miserable that I can't have Dori Duz again, too. Or the hundreds of other girls and women I'll see and want in my short lifetime and won't be able to go to bed with even once."
"Be thankful you're healthy."
"Be bitter you're not going to stay that way."
"Be glad you're even alive."
"Be furious you're going to die."
"Things could be much worse," she cried.
"Things could be one hell of a lot better," he answered heatedly.
"You're naming only one thing," she protested. "You said you could name two."
"And don't tell me God works in mysterious ways," Yossarian continued, hurtling on over her objection. "There's nothing so mysterious about it. He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about--a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did he ever create pain?"
"Pain?" Lieutenant Scheisskopf's wife pounced upon the word victoriously. "Pain is a useful symptom. Pain is a warning to us of bodily dangers."
"And who created the dangers?" Yossarian demanded. He laughed caustically. "Oh, He was really being charitable to us when He gave us pain! Why couldn't He have used a doorbell instead to notify us, or one of his celestial choirs? Or a system of blue-and-red neon tubes right in the middle of each person's forehead. Any jukebox manufacturer worth his salt could have done that. Why couldn't He?"
"People would certainly look silly walking around with red neon tubes in the middle of their foreheads."
"They certainly look beautiful now writhing in agony or stupefied with morphine, don't they? What a colossal, immortal blunderer! When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering. It's obvious He never met a payroll. Why, no self-respecting businessman would hire a bungler like Him as even a shipping clerk!"
Lieutenant Scheisskopf's wife has turned ashen in disbelief and was ogling him with alarm. "You'd better not talk that way about Him, honey," she warned him reprovingly in a low and hostile voice. "He might punish you."
"Isn't He punishing me enough?" Yossarian snorted resentfully. "You know, we mustn't let Him get away scot free for all the sorrow He's caused us. Someday I'm going to make Him pay. I know when. On the Judgment Day. Yes, that's the day I'll be close enough to reach out and grab that little yokel by His neck and--"
"Stop it! Stop it!" Lieutenant Scheisskopf's wife screamed suddenly, and began beating him ineffectually about the head with both fists. "Stop it!"
Yossarian ducked behind his arm for protection while she slammed away at him in feminine fury for a few seconds, and then he caught her determinedly by the wrists and forced her gently back down on the bed. "What the hell are you getting so upset about?" he asked her bewilderedly in a tone of contrite amusement. "I thought you didn't believe in God."
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "But the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
Yossarian laughed and turned her arms loose. "Let's have a little more religious freedom between us," he proposed obligingly. "You don't believe in the God you want to, and I won't believe in the God I want to. Is that a deal?"
That was the most illogical Thanksgiving he could ever remember spending...
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[17 Nov 2008|12:19am] |
i don't feel like i've changed since i came to college. i actually like it, the fact that i am still comfortable with myself in a totally different environment. i wish i had more to say in here, but somehow whenever i start to write something and read it over it feels trivial. i miss a lot of people; moreover, i miss what a lot of people used to be. while i've stayed concrete, nearly everyone else had altered themselves somehow, and i wish they knew how much i wish i could talk to who they were a few months ago.
i'm in an interim. i would say purgatory, but that's a bit harsh. i'm attached to two things, both from my past. there's currently no room to move forward, but i don't mind the pause. it's not refreshing, but comforting. i'll move onto my future at some point, but for right now i'm enjoying the deep breaths of the warm air that i know so well.
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[28 Aug 2008|09:04pm] |
before i fell asleep last night, i wrote this on a piece of paper beside my bed:
"i have an awfully hard time saying goodbye to people. i'd much rather just unofficially leave without the sorrowful hug. instead, i always say i'll be back/around, never making the break clean. i'm never honest about the situation. goodbyes are just awful."
even though i don't fully remember writing this, it's unfortunately true.
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[29 Jun 2008|07:06pm] |
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in the past few weeks, i have gone from being happy to happiest. i haven't felt like this in years; i haven't felt like this since the first time i fell in love. it's incredible how i can't find a real reason to be sad. however, it is somewhat difficult to remain so ecstatic when i get the impression that some of my friends aren't supporting me. what's worse is that they speak behind my back, when in reality i am more than willing to listen to what they have to say. i want to appease them and make everything alright, but--as selfish as this sounds--i'm tired of bending over backwards, and i want to do what i feel is best for me. can't i just get a break?
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| thoughts |
[24 Apr 2008|06:40pm] |
- i'm still waiting for his letter
- i'm not quite ready to say goodbye to the life i know
- i wish this felt more real to me
- i never realize that i have my mother's mannerisms until someone points them out to me
- my love handles are gross
- i wish i could take back some things i have said and done, but i know that everything would be different if i did.. do i want things to be different?
- i can't imagine leaving my dog behind when i go off to college; i'd rather leave my mom and dad behind than him, is that sad?
- i'm scared i won't make friends at orientation in june (it's a sleepover!)
- i wonder if people see me the way i want them to see me
- why aren't people honest anymore?
- i can't go back to school after this vacation. wahhhh
- i can't even fathom how much fun this summer will be. : ]
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| simpleton |
[13 Mar 2008|07:45pm] |
what a boring internet day. no e-mails, no virus protection updates, no livejournal posts. no one posts anymore, myself included. i want to say we've grown out of it, but i know i sure haven't. i think, "i should update," but i never have the time.
what a boring week. my school days are tiring, and my afternoons consist of going to curves and spending endless hours on homework. today was a bit out of the ordinary, though: i forgot to set my alarm, so i woke up an hour late. school was tedious, but i was able to keep my mind from exploding. this afternoon i went for a walk on the bike path because it was so darn'd nice out. walking with him--being with him--makes me feel really comfortable. even when i run out of things to say, the silence doesn't bother me. it was quite an enjoyable stroll.
what a boring time period. these few early spring months lack the excitement of the fall. the college anxiety (awful yet exhilarating) is gone, and school work has become less of a chore and more of an irritation. i want thrills, not chills. i want relaxation, not overextension. i want, well, summer. i can just remember sitting on my lawn, throwing sticks into the lake for my dog, thinking of everything and nothing.
i'm lucky i have enough change going on in my life (not the kind promised by obama, but the kind that actually means something to a teenager) to keep my on my toes, but april vacation cannot come soon enough.
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| extremely |
[25 Feb 2008|12:36pm] |
i feel very stupid.
what was i thinking?
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| countdowns |
[29 Jan 2008|05:59pm] |
last day of school: 120 days
graduation: 128 days
eighteen: 109 days
first day at bridgewater state: 217 days
florida: 18 days
AP english exam: 99 days
[i used this site to get these.. comment with your own!]
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| we both know that i shouldn't be here |
[25 Jan 2008|05:12pm] |
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today was fantastic, and the night is young.
i took my last high school mid-term exam, which was spanish, and it took me but 30 minutes. maybe i went wrong somewhere, but its simpleness made me quite pleased. i got other mid-term grades back, and they are just as good as i hoped for. it's weird, but i think i finally figured it out: i study my face off, and i get good grades in return. another added bonus today: no gym class! though i probably could use it, since i've had no time to exercise in the past week and i am going swimming tomorrow, meaning skin will be exposed. eek.
english irked me today. first arg declared that we would write essays in pairs. this is a fairly good idea, i suppose, and my partner ROCKS, but still something seems wrong. we're in AP english, senior year. she said we should be developing our own personal "voice", our own writing style. still, she puts us with another person, as if we're not competent enough to write the "perfect essay" on our own. WHUTEVZ LADY. then she read us stories from "chicken soup for the writer's soul". are you kidding me?
rumor has it i might be going to florida at some point in the near future to go visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin--by myself. pumped!
this afternoon i got a nice thick envelope from bridgewater state college. i'm in! i had no fear of rejection from a state school, but having a letter makes everything much more official, more definite. i get so excited every time i think of it, especially when i compare it to my current situation. i will admit, though, things are going to be a lot different. i won't be watching "the price is right" every day when i eat lunch, nor will i have a standing buddy to steal chips from. oh my, i'm anxious.
the last semester of high school has fallen at my feet, and i am accepting it with open arms. may cannot come soon enough!
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